A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
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Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.