[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
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Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
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Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.