bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
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Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe