financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
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Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Somebody’s lying.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE