[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
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Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
White Castle for the Win
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.