-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
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Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.