Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
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Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us