In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
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[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once