My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
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History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
My love language is hissing.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.