“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
You Might Also Like
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]