*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
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I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
normalize having existential bread
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running