“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
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If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
work smarter, not harder
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.