boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
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[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?