Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
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[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.