Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
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Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.