Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
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Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
my mom making me talk to relatives
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!