My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
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One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc