this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
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I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”