My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
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Eating my way out of the ball pit.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Rather alarming headline…
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?