My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
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Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
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