The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
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I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I only eat vegetarians.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.