Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
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Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I forgot how to panic. Help
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’