It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
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ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Note to self: always read the final line
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
incredible
i was baptized in a car wash
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.