i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
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They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.