If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
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When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?