Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
You Might Also Like
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
meanwhile over on facebook
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
HERE’S MARKY
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine