“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
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Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
🤣🤣🤣
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream