“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
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“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.