People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
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6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.