I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
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one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
ok like just. call me at this point
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.