Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Blew out my flip flop…
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Go hard or stay average
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.