The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
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So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]