My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
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Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa