Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
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Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.