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I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Effort made
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.