They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
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The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.