My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
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Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Okey dokey.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”