Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
You Might Also Like
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.