Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
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My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.