To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
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When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?