We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
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My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.