Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
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Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race