The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
You Might Also Like
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that