“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
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Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
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Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy