I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
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when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
How is it still this week?
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets