Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
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My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’