My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
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Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
2023 was just a warmup
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.