awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
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*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
CRYING
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.