You Might Also Like
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”