Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
You Might Also Like
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Me, reading some of your tweets
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Basically.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
tis the season
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?